The Space Between

Fit Me Journal October 10

 

It’s cold here today. I think it dropped into the 20’s last night. This morning I got up to write but for some reason just wasn’t feeling it. Since Josh is home and could stay with the kids, I decided to seize the day and do something I don’t typically get to do first thing in the morning. I grabbed Bonny, threw on my jacket and beanie and went for a walk.

 

I was going to listen to a podcast but decided to skip it. No facebook live, or insta hellos… just walk.

 

The ground was wet and frosty and the morning sun made everything sparkle. The leaves are changing here and they were falling on their own, without wind. It was really beautiful…even in the cold.

 

So yesterday I was invited to do something cool, and I had time to think about it this morning as I walked. I decided I’m going to do it. The leaves were a perfect inspiration.

 

On October 20th I am going to go to Seattle to do a Women’s Empowerment photoshoot. I am going to represent the postpartum body…for myself… and all the other women in this spot… the weird place in between pregnant and “normal.”

 

This is such an odd time for the female body. When you are pregnant, people oooh and ahhh over your bump. They tell you you are glowing and the cutest pregnant person. You take pictures of you and your bump and celebrate that time.

 

In the days after baby is born, you marvel at the new miracle. Physically, you just had a baby a few days prior so there is no expectation to look a certain way. You take pictures of you and baby and celebrate that time.

 

When you lose a bunch of weight and look “skinny” people oooh and ahhh over how awesome you are for losing the weight. How they can’t believe you had a baby. How great you look. You do before and after comparisons, take pictures with your baby and celebrate that time.

 

But what about the space between???? That is where I am right now. The limbo of 20 pounds heavier, feeling like myself but also not. Looking like myself, but also not.

 

I am in transition.

 

I know it and the world knows it. So the comments change or at least the ones I hear. With no bad intentions, it becomes… Don’t worry…you have plenty of time to lose weight. Or, you won’t have a problem getting back to your old self. Or… takes 9 months to put it on… it will take time to lose it.

 

None of those comments are bad… or mean….or ill intentioned. But they reinforce that little voice in my head. My body at this stage isn’t good enough.

 

So I’ve found myself avoiding pictures a little more…thinking about what it will be like when I’m…

 

I’ve been down this path before and I refuse to be a “floating head” in pictures again.

 

Listen…don’t get me wrong. I don’t hate my body…I feel like I have a pretty good balance of self-improvement and self-love…but if you made me be honest… I’m not exactly celebrating my body at this stage.

 

So I’m going to do something about it. Instead of waiting until my body is “back” I am going to celebrate now. I’ll go to Seattle, get my hair and makeup done…wear some cool stuff and take pictures with my baby girl.

 

Before and afters will be cool…someday I’m sure I’ll take those pics too. But for now… I’m gonna celebrate my body at 4 months postpartum… in the space between the before and after.

 

Until tomorrow,
Christy