I miss writing.
Yesterday I caught myself thinking about writing and feeling bad about it. Blogging feels good because it gets thoughts out of my head. I love talking to you and hearing back from you. But it’s been hard lately.
When I say feeling bad, let me be specific.
“If I had my act together I would write more.”
“If I was inspired, smart, insightful, I would keep posting on my blog.”
“Old Christy” stuck to her daily promise of writing.
“Old Christy” managed her time to fit in writing.
“Old Christy” had more to say and more clarity and was blah blah blah.
“Old Christy” must have been better because she wrote more.
But midway through legitimately feeling judgmental about myself and longing for the better version of who I once was…I stopped.
These are huge BS stories and lies.
The narrative I created in my head wasn’t truth, but the story I kept repeating was impacting my confidence, my belief that I could write again and was creating anxiety about my current efforts.
The picture I created was failure, insecurities and judgement.
So, I stopped, threw the bs flag and considered the facts.
Fact, last year I made a commitment to write a daily email blog. I wrote most days and stuck to that promise.
Fact, I never put an end date on that commitment so changing priorities or circumstances was doomed to actually feel like a failure.
Fact, Last year I didn’t have an infant, and most of my writing was done in the morning before my boys woke up.
Fact, This year I wake up early every day to take care of Georgia and writing is tricky while holding a baby.
Fact, I love writing and it comes naturally, but this year I made a deliberate commitment to practice communicating on video and podcasts and push myself outside of my comfort zone.
Fact, I’ve kept that commitment most days.
Fact, I miss writing… kind of like an old friend.
So I tell you all of this because this is a VERY human pattern, and maybe a pattern you are in too. The stories in my head made me feel bad but they were not facts or fair judgments.
I am still working hard, managing my schedule, communicating regularly, pushing and evolving. Past me isn’t better. Present me has a baby, my life is different. I’ve said no to writing most days because I’ve said yes to other things. Yes to breastfeeding for 10 months straight, yes to coaching on video daily, yes to extra sleep when I can, yes to changing my creative outlet.
But I never acknowledged the shift, so it felt like a failure.
I never acknowledged that in order to say yes to those things, I would need to say no to writing every day.
So the truth is, I don’t need to knock my confidence, my ability, or my character. I’m glad I caught the bs story in my head…because left unchecked I would have been afraid to start writing again. I would have continued to tell myself I used to be a good writer, but I fell off. I would have anticipated judgment that was never even there.
What stories are you telling yourself? What is the narrative you’ve created around your life? Is it based on facts? Is it even fair? Is it creating anxiety, judgment and beliefs that limit you?
Write me back and tell me.
Until next time,
P.S. My blog used to say, “until tomorrow.” But that isn’t a fair commitment to myself at this stage. I’ll just feel let down. So like an old friend… I can’t wait to talk to you again and hope it’s not too long.