2 years ago I started an email blog. I wrote it consistently for a year. I miss writing and talking to you. The honesty I could put in written word was like therapy for me…but also a mainline to you. We knew each other deeper and I loved that.
fitme Journal: My back to my babies
I’ve worked from home for 2 plus years now. I’ve always liked it. Gym clothes every day, access to my kitchen, no commute. COVID changed everything though by sending my kids home (12, 10 and almost 2). I became homeschool mom, and work from home mom.
I feel guilty even calling myself homeschool mom because I’ve barely facilitated any learning. I work really hard and juggling my work and their schedule was about all I could do. Teaching them their stuff too… that didn’t happen.
But the part that has been hard lately isn’t the juggle of schedules. That always takes work. The part that is hard lately is that as I grind on my passion… in their presence… my back is to them.
My desk with my computer is right next to the kitchen. They pass through as they go about their days and stop to give me regular hugs. Even my baby girl Georgia does it as she does toddler things with our nanny that comes in the mornings.
But my back is to my babies… a lot. I feel resentful that I can’t be somewhere isolated. I don’t want to feel guilty that I can’t push pause every 10 minutes and give them my attention.
I feel selfish when I desperately want quiet or focus and then imagine how much more productive or fast I would move without interruption.
It kills me when they ask why I’m always working…but really it’s 10am and that’s when I’m supposed to be working.
It’s a strange thing to love your professional job, love your kids and your people, love your home…but crave distance.
I hope this wasn’t too much truth for blog day 1, but that’s where I’m at. Currently writing to you, before 7am – my favorite time to write…with my 10 year old Henry sitting on the couch behind me with his puppy. Writing something important, something real, doing something I love…but physically sitting with my back to my baby.
If you feel this push- pull… let me know.
Until next time.