​​​​Twisted Up

Today I fly back to Washington state from Florida.  I am ready to be home with my boys.  When I finish this email, I am going for a walk.  One more lap of sunshine.   I’m going to get coffee, one last acai bowl (I’ve had 2 on this trip), and stick my toes in the sand.

This weekend was focused, productive and valuable for me as a nutrition coach and business owner.  The added bonus was a vitamin D recharge in the middle of a gray nutrition coachWashington winter.

I’ll be honest though.  As a professional mom, I am forever conflicted.   Because I work, I feel guilty that I miss time with my boys.  When I travel, that feeling intensifies.   ​​​​​​​Because Josh is deployed, it’s 10x.

I know other moms probably feel this too sometimes….even feeling guilty about other things.  Quality time with friends, working out, going to school….and definitely going to work.

I don’t have any smart or conclusive tip to fix this feeling.  I kind of accept it as part of the deal.  I want to be home with my kids.  I love and miss them.  But I also want to pursue my passion.  It is a part of who I am.  It’s the way I’m wired.

I think just acknowledging the feeling is ok.  The feeling helps me focus on being “present” as much as possible when I am with them.

Want more honesty?  It just isn’t internal guilt.  It’s the worry of judgement from others.  What if people think I am selfish for working or traveling?  What if people are wondering why I can’t just take some down time while Josh is deployed?  What if people wonder what kind of mom has to leave her kids the morning after the loss of a furry family member?

These are crap thoughts I know.  The rational part of me knows it’s ok….I’m doing a good job as a mom and I am helping people with my job.  But that internal conflict is a bitch.

Thanks for letting me share honestly…if you have ever felt like this… I understand.

Until tomorrow.