Fit Me Pregnancy Journal Day 144-145

feel pretty?

 

My baby shower is next weekend.   I am nervous.  I don’t really know why.  I bought what I think will be a cute dress, but I haven’t tried it on yet.  I may just wear my normal leggings and tank with a vest or something.  Dresses are hard.

Dressing up or looking pretty for me has always felt hard.  I like being a tomboy in my gym or sports clothes.  I like not wearing makeup and living in a ponytail.  I am very comfortable that way.

But don’t get me wrong… I admire pretty.  I sometimes wish I was good at makeup or clothing styles or hair.  I admire the women that are…and sometimes I like to feel like that too.

Did you know as a little kid, I had a very short, bowl cut hair style until I was almost 13?  My brother and I were mixed up for twins regularly.  I played boys baseball and soccer until I was 12.  I remember the first few times I wanted to look pretty, I felt so self conscious.

I think that feeling has always stuck with me a little bit.  I am still like that a little bit.  Sometimes I want to feel pretty…but a lot of times I feel self conscious about it.

My typical body confidence is a little off right now.  To be expected with 40 pounds of baby weight gain.

So a few weeks ago I decided to get eyelash extensions.  This is a cool thing for me because I think they look beautiful on people.   They eliminate ever needing mascara and honestly… I just like them.

This was a small step outside of my normal tomboy box, because…for no other reason then…sometimes its nice to feel pretty.

Yesterday though, I received an unprompted msg from someone basically telling me to take off my makeup and be me.   They even used the clown emoji.
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​​​​​​​What a strange thing to tell someone unprompted.

I am me…every day… all the time.  But why can’t I feel do something to enhance me?  Something I genuinely like?  I know the person didn’t mean any harm, but it genuinely hurt me.  It validated that self conscious feeling.

I know her comment wasn’t really about me.  I’m sure we’ve all said something shitty to each other at one point or another… something to keep people inside our own comfort zone.

To be honest, it’s exactly the same as when someone gives you crap about packing your lunch for work…because you are trying to eat healthy.  “What are you on a diet now?”

Or if you have ever been accused of being too good, because you choose to pass on drinks or certain types of food.

It is identical to the comments people make if you join your first crossfit class, or decide to go on an adventurous trip…or decide to work as a mom…or not work for that matter….    “Aren’t you worried you will regret…”

When you step outside your box, a small part of your worries people will say something to you about it… the fear can even be enough to paralyze you into inaction.   Never changing your body, your clothes, your job, your relationships, your location, your routines…even if you want to.  Simply because it makes someone else uncomfortable.

And then ironically, people sometimes do say stuff to you about it.  Because people are people and they say unfortunate things.

But here’s the lesson…people will always have something to say.  Who cares. I’m telling you this story, because that comment hurt me a little, but mostly it didn’t.

I have worked hard these past few years to ignore other people’s limiting beliefs about me.  Geeze, we have enough limiting beliefs about ourselves without help from others.

So for today and always, I am me.  My clothes, hair and makeup aren’t me… they are just expressions of things I like…they make me feel good.  I like leggings, gym clothes, pony tails, sports, lifting weights and sometimes… to feel pretty.
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Until tomorrow.

~Christy