Bonny was quiet in her crate from 10pm-330am and then from 4-645am. We are making progress.
I unfortunately had a hard time falling back asleep after her 330 potty break. My mind was racing. I kept flipping my body over from side to side, but it wasn’t a comfort thing, it was a brain thing. I started running through the thousands of things to do.
I’ve been trying to figure out why.
Am I just so motivated as a coach and small business owner that I can’t wait for the next day? Am I forever dissatisfied in someway with the work I am doing and always pushing for more? Am I neurotic and doomed to be a workaholic? Is “mom life” so expansive that it feels mentally exhausting and hard?
I thought about it a lot. . . and I think I have determined, for me, it may be some of the above…but also way more simple.
I miss Josh.
Without him here, my days feel incomplete. Like there is a hole in my family unit and I can’t fill it. My day isn’t done because it isn’t. That important connection isn’t there.
We honestly don’t get to talk a lot. Ship deployments are a little different than land deployments. We get on the phone every other week or so and we talk over email once or twice a week. That is best case and sometimes I go weeks without hearing from him.
When we do talk on the phone, it is me talking. He can’t tell me about what he is doing or where he is. I just fill him in and that is that. I’m sure many military spouses understand those type of conversations.
I think deep down, I have a mental strategy of staying so busy and so “effective” as a mom or coach or whatever, that I won’t have time to miss him.
Honestly it works a lot of the time.
But it is also a double-edged sword. What allows me to push and function and get things done at a high level means I MUST close off that feeling of dependence or “missing.” It is how I keep moving.
But with that part of me closed, I am incomplete.
Maybe if my post resonated with you, some part of you is closed too. Maybe you are missing something vital to WHO you are and WHAT you need and so then by covering it up with the daily to do’s you don’t think about it.
But then…those “to do’s” are never enough. Even if you do them all.
P.S. We are down to single digit weeks until deployment is done.