Lonely…and other words
Friday’s are my lonely nights. I’ll be honest, during the week I don’t slow down long enough to be lonely. Over the weekend, the kids keep me busy and I tend to find “tasks” that give me a mental break from coaching…I generally don’t feel that single mom life feeling.
But on Fridays, I’m tired after a busy week, I have the urge …not to socialize….but just to “be” and relax. That’s when I miss Josh the most and so Friday nights are when I feel the most vulnerable to “screw it” mode. I’m tired…lonely and looking for a lift.
I read in a Brene Brown book that people struggle with saying they are lonely. There is something socially shameful about it, so we use other words and downplay.
I guess the only reason I share it is because I feel happy and surrounded by wonderful people most of the time. Things are good, but you can’t fix my Friday night feels…they are a condition of my family being disjointed…
So when those “feels” come in… and I’d love to grab my favorite Chinese food and have a few glasses of wine…. here’s what goes through my head.
Is there anything wrong with Chinese food and wine? Nope. I look forward to both of those things sometimes. I can have them if I want…they aren’t off-limits. I’m choosing to limit them right now for my weight loss goals, but they aren’t forbidden.
But why do I want them? I don’t want them to enjoy the taste of food or laughs with friends. I want them to bandaid the emotions I’m feeling…to numb them.
“I deserve it…is just a lie, we’ve practiced saying in this moment.”
So last night I didn’t give in… I ate pork tenderloin and salad and finished my water. Not because I want to lose weight….but because I can and I will take ownership over my emotions…to own them…. to deal with them.
Friday nights are lonely because Josh isn’t here. I can’t solve that for another 4 months until he moves home. But I can schedule some time with my kids…. things we never do anymore like game night. I can enjoy the little people, that will soon be big people and DO SOMETHING to feel less idle while we wait.
Owning my emotions is being honest in this blog and then acting from the insight. Maybe I’ll go ahead and schedule a Chinese and wine night too…but one I can look forward to sharing with a friend or my mom…not one I would feel bad about.
Thanks for listening as always.
Do you ever feel like this?